This Love Is Killing Me
by Cyraina
Summary: A one-shot that I wrote about John and Amanda. It takes place during Saw 3. It's about how John and Amanda's love each other, and how they admit it. I changed the Saw story around a bit so that I could make it the way I want. Better summary in the story.


This Love Is Killing Me

Amanda slowly sat down in the hard wooden chair, keeping her eyes fixed on John. She saw his breathing was hard and struggling. He twisted his head to see her, but his eyelids were so heavy, that it looked like he had them closed in pain. He could see through the small cracks in his eyes, and he looked at Amanda.

"He made it through the freezer room." Amanda said, trying her best to keep her breathing as steady as possible. She felt like she was about to cry. She hated seeing John in such pain. The cancer was really getting to him.

"He tried to save her..." She squeaked, feeling her throat beginning to close up from the tears nearly escaping her eyes.

She got up and moved the chair over to John's bed and sat beside him. She slowly sat down and stared at his face as he weakly turned over on his side to face her.

"There are some things I need you to do for me." John whispered to her, trying his best to fight the pure weakness, pain, and exhaustion he felt from the cancer that came from the tumor in his brain. The cancer had completely permeated through out his entire body, and was now completely incurable. He knew he was going to die.

"In my desk... in the center drawer, an envelope... with your name on it." He finished telling Amanda. He spoke in incomplete scentences due to him being exhausted.

"She's gonna do a procedure on you." She told him, her breathing starting to harden as she tried yet again to keep herself from crying.

"Yeah." Was all John said.

"To relieve the pressure on your brain." She continued.

"Yeah." He said again to inform her that he was still listening.

"And help with the headaches." Amanda finished.

John stared at her, his eyes more open than before. He saw Amanda turn her head down as if she was ashamed of something. He anticipated for her to say something else. After a few silent seconds, he saw her wipe her long brown hair from the right side of her face using her left hand. She leaned her head back and let out a sob. John could hear her beginning to cry. Could he blame her? He was the only person who had ever actually showed her compassion before. He knew that she knew there was no way that he was going to survive the cancer, and he knew that she cared about him more than any one else in the world. Even herself. He knew that she would give her life for him if she had to.

"I can't do this..." She said, now crying.

"Amanda... you can. You can. You're stronger now." He told her. He saw her turn back and look at him. He felt his heart almost break with sadness as he saw her crying face.

"And I believe in you." He finished telling her. He tried being as positive as he could and keep her going. She was his apprentice, after all. The one person who would continue on his work after he dies.

They both sat for a while, neither talking. The only sounds were from Amanda's soft sobs. Amanda stood up and walked over to a sink. John looked at her, curious of what she was doing. She wiped her tears from her face and breathed in deeply. She then took a plastic cup out from the long, cylinder, plastic cup holder, and began filling it up with the cold, fresh, clean water. Once done, she turned the water off, squeaks emanating from the metal faucet handle. She took a plastic straw, bent it, and walked over to John.

"Do you want some water?" She asked, her voice soft and gentle.

He looked up into her eyes and nodded. Amanda knelt down on her knees and put the water up to his face. He stretched his head out and took the straw and sucked the water into his mouth. Once done, she set the water next to a red, glass-encased candle, which was sitting on a metal table. She stayed in her spot, however, her face straight in front of John's.

She put her hand on the side of his bed and fidgeted with the sheet's material.

"If you... need anything else, just tell me." She said, looking down at the floor. She tried her best to sound normal like it was a real question, but John could sense the uneasiness and sadness coming from her. He knew that the question she just asked was just something to throw herself off from having to think about him dying.

He said nothing to her for a few seconds, showing that he didn't want to respond to what she just told him.

"Amanda." He said her name. She tilted her head to him, her gaze meeting with his.

He did something that made Amanda's heart jump. He gently placed his hand upon hers, the one that was resting on the bedside. He caressed the top of her hand using his thumb.

"It's okay. It'll be okay." He told her, trying his best to reassure her as he stared into her beautiful brown eyes.

She couldn't hold back her feelings of anguish anymore. She surprised him by quickly jumping and latching herself to his neck. She buried her face into the side of his neck and let all of her tears run down. She cried her eyes out. Her arms moved to his back and she hugged him tightly, never wanting to let go. Her body made small jumps with each sob she made.

John felt a few of his own tears run down his face himself. He hated seeing Amanda sad. He cared about her more than anything or anyone else. He moved his arms to pet her soft hair and rub her back.

"I d-don't want you t-to leave m-me..." Amanda cried, nearly every word covered by a harsh sob. "You're the only p-person w-who keeps me going..." She told him.

Amanda felt John move his hands to her shoulders and pull her off of him. He had her sit back down on the ground and look into his eyes. She could see the tears on his cheeks and was very surprised. She had never seen John cry in her life.

John moved his hand to her eyes and wiped her tears away, even though they continued to flow. Afterwards, he gently placed his hand to the side of her face. Her tears ran all over his hand.

Amanda felt her heart continuously pound faster and faster. She loved being touched by him. She loved being around him. She loved being his apprentice. She loved being the main person in his life. She loved that fact that HE was the one who saved her from herself. But most of all, she loved him. Others would say it's wrong and sick, but she didn't care. She knew that what she felt for John was strong and true. She was deeply in love with him, and it would never change. Their age difference couldn't change it, people thinking it was wrong couldn't change it, and his death couldn't change it. She knew for a fact that he was the only person who she would ever love so much, and no matter what.

"Remember, Amanda. You're the person who'll carry on my work. You're the only person who I trust." He told her.

She stared deeply into his eyes, wanting so badly as to feel his lips against hers.

John smiled a soft smile at her, causing her to cheer up a little.

"I won't leave you. Even when I die..." He pet her hair from her forehead continuously and rubbed her soft cheek.

"Remember me by my work and the machines I built. Cherish them and save as I save. There have been some lives that have actually been changed and saved because of my doing. Including yours. Your life continues because I helped you." he told her, making her smile.

He smiled back at her, happy that he cheered her up some. "Amanda, I'm a part of you now. I'll never leave you..." He stared at her and they both went silent for a few moments. His smile got a little bigger and he nodded as he finished, "...I promise."

Amanda's tears slowed to nearly a stop. John's hand moved from her face to her shoulder.

"Come here." He told her.

She moved closer to him and he pulled her into a gentle hug. Amanda's hands rested on his chest, and John's arms were around her back. Amanda felt the warm, soft, yellow material of John's long-sleeve hospital shirt. She could feel his chest move slowly with each breath he took and the comfortable warmth that came from his chest. She took in every moment that she could of being close to the man she loved.

John kissed the crown of her head, and then rested his head against her soft hair. Amanda had never seen him act this way before, but she didn't care. She loved it. All of it.

Amanda heard some rattling in the back of the room where John's old traps, plans, blueprints, and tools were. She hated to do it, but she forced herself to stand up and out of John's arms. He turned back over on his back and let out a sigh.

"Lynn's got the tools ready for the procedure now." Amanda told him, turning around to walk into the room to get her. "I'll go get her."

"Wait." John said. Amanda turned back around and looked at him.

"I know you don't like things like this because you're squeamish, but... I was wondering..." He was asking her something.

"Yes?" She asked, softly.

"I want you to be close to me as I get the surgery. Will you?" He asked, hoping for her to say yes. "I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up."

Amanda smiled at him very gently. "Yes." She told him. She turned back and walked into the room where Lynn was. She felt happy that John would want for her to be the one he sees.

John couldn't help but feel that the way he cared for Amanda was starting to get deeper. He remembered that when he saw her, he knew that he wanted to help her. He was very glad that he did and that he was able to get her off drugs and her self-mutilation. He believed that anyone who thought he was a sick murderer, was sick themselves. He KNEW that what he did was very dark and gruesome, but also KNEW that it is the only REAL way to help people. They have to help themselves. If they can't do something as basic as go through pain for just a few minutes, then they can't handle themselves for the rest of their lives. It made him sick to see how bad of shape the world was in now. It was very rare for him to see someone actually cherish his or her life. Amanda, himself and his ex-wife, Jill, were the only people he knew that really cared about their lives. He remembered that when Amanda decided to become his apprentice, he felt connected to her, like a father and daughter relationship. But after a while, he could feel that it grew. He noticed that when Amanda was around him, she acted so different. She was much more kind, more sweet, more gentle... He could tell that what she felt for him was more than just normal caring. He could tell that she loved him. It made him feel sad though, knowing that he was going to have to leave her. He didn't want to admit it, but he could feel his heart turning to love for her as well...

Amanda saw Lynn and the tools in the tray. Her eyes widened when she saw the tools... She saw a power drill, sauzel, a bowl of alcohol, a few pairs of clippers, a pair of pliers, a scalpel, some needles, and a large syringe.

"You're gonna have to use all of those on... John?" Amanda asked, hating to have to say John's name in the same sentence being referred to these tools being used on him.

Lynn let out a sigh and a look of pure worry came across her face. "I'm afraid so..." She said. She turned from the tools to look at Amanda.

"Amanda, if you really want to save John you need to take him to a hospital... I don't know if I can do this or not..." She told her, trying to be as calm as possible.

"John chose you to do this! Not me! Start paying some fucking attention! Do you want to die? Huh?" Amanda yelled at her in a harsh tone.

Lynn put her hand to her head, trying to keep herself from just attacking and cussing Amanda out. She knew that Amanda held her life in her hands.

"No, I don't want to die, Amanda." She told her, as calm as possible.

Amanda got in her face and grabbed her by hair. "Did I bring John to you? Or did I bring your self-centered ass to him? No one is going to any hospital. If he dies, you die." She told her. She let go of Lynn, turned her head down, and put her hand to her face.

"You hold his life... in your hands..." She said, her voice beginning to get high.

Lynn could see Amanda starting to cry. She saw the pure worry on Amanda. In a way, she felt sorry for her.

'She really cares about this guy, huh?' Lynn thought to herself.

"You know what? I'm sorry..." Amanda said.

Lynn felt more surprised than ever. Amanda had treated her like total shit since they got here, and now she was apologizing!

Amanda walked back up to Lynn and actually started talking to her like a normal person.

"I just care about him... so much..." Amanda told her. Amanda didn't know why she was being nice to her now. She pretty much hated her guts! She guesses that it was because she had such mixed emotions right now. She wanted to take any comfort she could get.

"I know, I know..." Lynn put her hand to Amanda's shoulder and smiled at her briefly. "Come one, let's get it over with." She told her.

Lynn motioned for Amanda and her to walk out of the room and into the room where John was, but Amanda decided to stay in there for a while.

Once Lynn was out of the room, Amanda walked over to the monitors and sat down. She watched for a few minutes and saw that Jeff had completed his task in saving the judge from drowning in the pig's cut-up flesh. She took her hair tie from her wrist and began tying her hair up. She looked back at the plastic that was a line between the room where John was and the tool room.

Lynn started getting the tools ready. She moved around some tables, took off her wedding ring, moved John's I.V bag and monitor, took out more tools such as a blood pressure bag and a stethoscope just in case she needed them, took out some bandages and gauze, set the tools she was going to use to open John's skull on a moving metal tray table, cleaned all the the tools in alcohol that she was going to use, tested the power drill and sauzel, carefully looked over the x-rays of John's brain and where the tumor was, and thoroughly washed her hands in alcohol.

John watched her the entire time she did this, all the while remembering Jill and how she would sometimes do procedures such as this.

Lynn walked over to John, an electric shaver in her hand, and had him turn his head to the right. He squinted his left eye as she shaved a small area of his head.

He saw Amanda walk in, and a small smile appeared on his face. She walked over to him and stood, looking down at him. She gave him a soft gaze, causing him to feel calmer. He loved the way she looked at him. He was the only person that she'd ever open her heart to.

"He made it through the second test." She told him, her voice soft and gentle. "The judge is alive."

"Faster than I expected." John told her, a smirk on his lips. She nodded and smiled at him.

"All right, John, I need you to keep your head to the side and keep still." Lynn told her, sounding exactly like the professional she is. "What's goin' on here is that your brain is pushing against your skull."

John slowly blinked once. He kept his gaze on Amanda, not taking his eyes off her for not one second. She never took her eyes off him either. She stayed smiling at him, all the while thinking of how much she loved him and how sweet he was to her.

"I'm gonna try to relieve the pressure by cutting away a little bit of your skull. It should help you with your headaches and drastically improve your motor skills." Lynn told him. "Do you understand?"

John blinked and sighed. "All to well."

Lynn took one of the needles and stuck it in a small vile, filling it up with a red liquid. She looked at it curiously and squirted some of it out, as to get all of the air out of it.

"All right, you're gonna feel some slight discomfort." She told him as she stuck the needle and injected the liquid into the shaved area on his head.

"Are you gonna give him a general anesthetic?" Amanda asked, feeling some worry about John going through pain.

Lynn kept her eyes fixed on John. "For a procedure like this, the patient needs to be fully alert."

John looked more at Amanda, feeling sorry that she had to carry the burden of being so worried about him.

"Amanda, it's alright... I'll be okay." He told her.

Amanda took in a deep breath, and forced herself to go over to him. She hated seeing surgery's and people being cut open... But she wanted to be close to John and she knew he wanted her to be with him. She walked over to him and sat on her knees. She took both of her hands in one of his and held it tightly.

Lynn looked at her and wondered about the two. She wondered how someone could actually care for a killer like John Kramer...

Lynn took the scalpel out of the metal tray and was about to cut away at the flesh on his head. She looked at his heart-rate monitor, scared to death and thinking more about that if it flat-lines, she'll die in an instant. Her hand that held the scalpel began to shake violently, and she threw it back in the tray. She walked away for a few moments trying her best to calm herself down.

Amanda made a quick and small sigh at John and smiled a little. He did the same, but smiled at her more. She clutched her hand in his and moved closer to him. She wanted to stay with him through this entire thing and never let go.

After calming down, Lynn took the scalpel in her hand once again. This time, she was able to cut at the flesh. She grabbed a hospital paper towel and dabbed at the oozing blood escaping John's scalp. John's face got a little grim. Amanda squinged as she heard the flesh being cut and the squish-like noise coming from the blood seeping through his scalp. She sighed and turned her head away. She felt like she was going to vomit.

John moved his left hand to both of Amanda's that was holding his right one, and caressed her arm, trying his best to comfort her. She turned back to him.

"Amanda, I need you here." Lynn said to her. She looked up at her, but Lynn kept her eyes fixed on John's bleeding scalp. "Amanda." She called again.

Amanda felt that there was no way in hell that she was going to be any part of the surgery. She would stay by John the whole time, but she wasn't going to get near and see the blood up-close.

Lynn gave up, not wanting to make Amanda upset. "All right, John, you're gonna feel some pressure." She told him.

Amanda now saw Lynn grab a pair of surgical pliers. She didn't even want to know what she was going to do with those! She closed her eyes, trying her best to think about something else.

John felt worried about Amanda. He held on tighter to her hands. He could feel how warm they were and how the body heat from them was beginning to get to his own hands.

Lynn slowly peeled back the thick layer of John's scalp. She could see the dark red blood underneath and the skull bone.

Amanda blinked and her eyes widened. She absolutely hated the sound of the skin being pulled back.

"Let's clamp this. Stop the bleeding." Lynn said, getting three clamping scissors, one after the other, and clamping the area around the cut skin of John's head.

"Fill that syringe with alcohol from that bowl." Lynn told Amanda.

Amanda looked John in the eyes. He stared at her as well. She looked down to the ground for a moment, unsure of what she should do.

"Go." He told her. She nodded.

As she got up, she hated having to let go of John's hands. She loved holding his hands... But she got up, and helped Lynn.

Amanda grabbed the large syringe and sucked up the alcohol from the metal bowl into it. She heard the swishing noises emanate from the alcohol, for some reason, relaxing her senses.

"Hurry." Lynn told her, talking the alcohol-filled syringe from her as soon as she filled it completely up.

Right after Lynn took the syringe, Amanda ran back over to John and knelt back down beside him. She took his hands back in both of hers. He looked back at her in the eyes and smiled. But his smile soon faded to annoyance and pain, as the cold burning alcohol his his scalp. The scent of the alcohol went to his nose. His eyes soon turned from Amanda's and up towards the ceiling. She could see his beautiful crystal-blue eyes as he opened them a little wider than usual. She absolutely loved his eyes... She thought they were his best feature. John's mouth twitched a little, and his eyes rolled back down and closed for a few seconds. He opened them back up and looked at Amanda, a frown of discomfort on his face. Amanda could feel John's hands tighten around her's, causing her to know he was in pain.

Amanda looked at John, more worry appearing on her face. When she heard the alcohol hit his head, she let out a hard breath. "John?..." She asked, trying to see if he was okay.

"It just hurts a little... I've been through worse." He told her.

Amanda's eyebrows turned to more worry, but she knew what he meant when he said he's been through worse. She started thinking about the convulsion he had a while ago... That was a lot worse than just this right now, and she knew it. She also knew that he had had this cancer for a pretty good while, and that it's the most painful thing he'd experienced.

Lynn dabbed his skull with another hospital towel.

"All right, John, I need you to keep your mouth closed. You're gonna hear a lot of noise." Lynn told him as she picked up a power drill and pushed a button to turn it on.

Amanda let out harsh breaths and looked away. It was starting to get really intense... Her hands started to shake which caused John's hands to shake in hers.

John moved a hand to her face and made her look at him. He saw some tears coming into he eyes.

"Amanda. Amanda. Calm down... you can do this..." He cooed to her.

Amanda looked back at him, the tears in her eyes now escaping. She let go of John's hands and moved herself to rest her head on the bed in the area between his stomach. She took a hold of one of his hands again, and held them tightly. John saw that she was trying her best to think about other things and drown out the noise that was about to be a power drill against his skull...

John's free hand moved to the top of her head. "Amanda... Think about what you promised me... Think about the future... Think about our dreams..." He told her, helping her to get her mind off of the surgery.

Lynn looked at the heart-rate monitor again, and saw that it was still on a good level of 80 over 30. After that, she began making her first drill into his skull...

Amanda heard the sick noise and let out a whine of sadness...

Even though John was the one going through the surgery and should be the one in pain, he felt that Amanda was the one going through the trauma... All he could do was hold her. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her... He felt the pain wrack his head from the drill, but he continued to keep his selfless thought on Amanda.

'Maybe I really do... love her...' He thought to himself.

Lynn started making the second drill hole, and saw John's heart rate increase over on the monitor...It was now 118 over 30.

John grit his teeth and eyebrows, forcing himself not to cry out in pain.

Lynn then made the third drill hole, keeping her focus as pure as possible.

John tilted his head back a little, and breathed in deeply. His eyes opened up wider than usual too.

Amanda heard Lynn's voice talk to John, snapping her from her thoughts and sobs.

"John, how you doin'?" She asked him, holding the drill up and gritting her teeth some.

"Never better." He told her, slightly sarcastic.

Amanda smiled under his stomach. 'He has the best ways of being positive, doesn't he?'

"All right." Lynn said, setting down the power drill and heading over to get something else. Amanda only feared what was going to be used on John next... Then she heard a very loud and quick drill go off three times, causing Amanda's heart to race with agony.

"No..." She cried, gripping John's hand tighter. She moved her other hand to hug around his back. She buried herself deeper into his stomach, straight under his ribcage. "No... no... no..." She said, continuously, crying.

John could feel her wet tears soak his yellow shirt and touch his skin underneath. He stroked her hair and rubbed her neck up and down, trying his best to calm her.

"Shh, shhh... It's okay..." He told her in a very gentle and quiet whisper.

"All right, you're gonna hear a lot of ringing. I need you to stay very still." Lynn told him, shaking her head no, thinking it was madness.

John's face turned to worry and he looked up and let out a sigh.

"Here I go." Lynn said as she started the sauzel up.

Lynn slowly brought the moving sauzel to his skull... It made an ear-blasting sick whistle as it cut away at the bone.

Amanda cried louder into John's stomach and held his hand tighter. She felt his grip tighten very hard onto her hand. She heard the sauzel stop after a few seconds and a sickening splatter noise. She didn't want to, but she made herself look up at Lynn. She saw that John's blood covered the right side of her face. She turned to the floor and coughed, nearly throwing up.

John gently pulled Amanda back to face him. She was surprised that he was still awake!

"It's... almost... over..." He told her very slowly. His voice twitched a little from the pain.

Tears flowed down Amanda's face. She took her hands from John's and stared into his eyes... She saw how much pain he was in... She timidly brought her hands to his face and cradled his head in her hands. She wanted to comfort him so bad... She wanted to be near him throughout the whole experience and never leave his side. She told him she'd be there and stay, and that's exactly what she'd do.

John felt the soothing warmth and softness from Amanda's hands... He cherished it deeply... He closed his eyes and Amanda brought her face to his... He could feel her now resting her forehead against his and her warm breath hitting his face. Her being close to him felt even better than the anesthetic...

Lynn started the sauzel up again, and started making the second cut.

Amanda looked into John's eyes and saw that they were starting to close now. She started crying harder.

John brought his hand up and rested in weakly on her shoulder, trying to show her that he was okay. He opened his eyes a little and saw Amanda looking into them. He saw the sadness and worry on her face, and tried to smile to make her feel better, but couldn't. He was starting to get a lot weaker...

"John..." Amanda said in a whisper.

Even though the loud whistle was blocking out all noise in the room, John could hear Amanda say his name. Just her saying his name made him feel more alive than ever...

Lynn now moved to the third cut...

John's breathing started to get a lot harder, and he wasn't able to open his eyes now... He began seeing quick images flash through his mind...

He could see a quick image of Amanda... She was sitting in the chair wearing all black. The head trap set neatly on her head as she slept from the injection of tranquilizer... The next image showed her looking him in the eyes as he explained to her that she couldn't turn back once she walked down the corridor... Another image flashed of him setting the head trap on her... The next image flashed of her helping him set up the bathroom for Lawrence and Adam... The image after that showed him gently lifting her chin to look into her eyes and explain how you must meet death in order to be reborn...

Lynn made the fourth, and final cut... Soon after, the cutting was over. Amanda closed her teary eyes and breathed hard on John's face.

"All right, John, I'm gonna remove the skull." Lynn told him, setting the sauzel down.

Amanda lifted her head from John's face and wiped her hair from her face.

Lynn took a hook-like tool, and inserted it into one of the cracks around the square-cut skull piece. Lifting it up slowly as to not damage John's brain, a disgusting, wet, suction-like noise came from it. It was the blood suctioning from the skull being removed.

Amanda could hear the noise and she let out an audible groan. She squinted and took her head from John's.

Lynn then grabbed a pair of surgical scissors and carefully cut the membrane of John's brain. She folded the membrane back and saw John's brain pulsing. It was covered in more blood than a brain usually should be. This was due to the tumor pushing his brain against the skull.

Amanda looked into John's eyes, and saw them open. He didn't look at her like she thought he would, though. Instead, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. She looked at him, thinking that he might go into another convulsion. Her heart pounded with fear and she began to shake at the thought of it, because she knew that if he did, it would kill him.

Lynn stared at John's heart-rate monitor again and saw that it had slowly gone down to 101.

"He's stabilized." She said, breathing a little heavy.

John's eyelids twitched a little and his eyes stayed rolled back in his head.

Lynn stayed fixed on the monitor, and it went down back to 80 over 20.

Amanda looked to the side and let out a sigh mixed with some crying. Lynn ignored this and continued doing what she was supposed to do.

"John, I need you to raise your hand and flex your fingers." Lynn told him, her eyes a little wide, unknowing what might happen since the skull piece was finally removed.

Amanda turned back around and stared at John's hand. She saw him move his arm up some, but then drop back down.

John could hear everything, but hardly. His senses were beginning to crumble...

Then, the heart-rate monitor started plummeting... It went to 79 and then down to 65...

"John?" Lynn asked, unmoving except for her eyes. She started to feel herself fill up with fear.

Amanda stared at John, scared out of her life.

"John, raise your hand..." Lynn ordered him. "John, can you hear me?" She asked. A look of fright appeared immediately on her face. She started hyperventilating as she saw the heart-rate monitor plummet to 11!

"What's happening?" Amanda asked, her voice high pitched with fear. She put her hand to John's shoulder and started shaking him slightly. Her other hand slapped his face gently as she tried to get him to say or do something.

"John." Lynn called out to him in a panic.

Once she saw no response, Lynn ran over to one of the tables and quickly grabbed an oxygen mask.

"What's happening to him!" Amanda yelled out, standing up and backing away from John. "What's happening? What's wrong?" She was scared to death. She then saw Lynn with the oxygen mask. Lynn was about to run over with the mask, but Amanda ran over to her and took the mask from her and quickly placed in over John's mouth and nose.

Amanda stared at John as she heard the oxygen come on. Her eyes widened and she frowned with her teeth showing. She breathed in and out very harshly and tears ran rappidly down her face. She saw that John looked almost like he was sleeping. "Why isn't he moving? Do something!" Amanda yelled out. She didn't know what she was exactly saying from her fear taking over her. "Please..." She gasped.

John saw another image in his mind... Except this one didn't just quickly flash by, it stayed with him... He saw Amanda, her hair short and spiky. He saw her hold up a new, sharp razor blade to her wrist... and she cut away... Tears of pure sadness fell from her eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to help her... He walked over to her, his red and black trench coat flowing behind him, and knelt down in front of her.

Taking her small and pretty face in his hands, he put his right hand under her chin and stared her in the eyes.

"You must meet death, in order to be reborn." He told her.

She stared at him and her face softened. He was the only person that could comfort her and make her feel alive and like a real person.

He took her bleeding wrist and pulled her gently against him... She rested her head and body against his soft form, and he held her in his arms... He could feel his feelings growing for her, and loved being the person able to comfort her. He cared about her and that would never change...

"Breathe, John." Amanda told him as she looked at the heart-rate monitor and then back at his face. She took the oxygen mask from his face as she saw his eyelids beginning to twitch. She caressed the side of his face, and gentle smile forming on her lips.

"I love..." John whispered. Amanda couldn't hear what he said; it was almost like a sigh instead of a sentence.

"John?" Amanda asked, wanting to know what he said. She felt herself begin to settle, as she believed he was going to be okay.

Lynn stared down at them both and thought about her marriage... If only her and Jeff could be that close right now... She wanted nothing more than to see her husband...

John placed his hand on Amanda's arm and caressed it slowly up and down... Amanda felt her heart jump as she stared more and more into his weak eyes.

"I... I love you..." He said, his eyes cracked open.

Amanda let out a gasp. 'Did he just say what I think he said?' She thought. She couldn't believe it... John just told her... he loves her... is it the same love that she feels for him? No... it couldn't be... he couldn't... could he?...

John put his arm back down on his side and Amanda touched the side of his face with her fingertips, and then put her hand back down.

Amanda then stood up, and walked out of the room, her mind racing with thoughts. Lynn watched her as she walked out.

Amanda sat on her bed, her head facing the ground. Her thoughts fixated on John and all that they've been through together... She sat for a few minutes, not moving, getting up, or talking to anyone.

Lynn banged John's head up carefully which took about 30 minutes. She wanted to make sure that no blood would come through the bandages. Then, she started cleaning herself up. She put her wedding ring back on, and washed her hands with alcohol. She took a rag and soaked it in the alcohol and cleaned her face with it as well. She turned to look at John, and saw him sleeping peacefully on his back. His heart rate was normal again too.

Amanda finally came out of her room and walked over to John. She saw he was asleep.

"Lynn... Thanks..." She said, never thinking that she'd actually be nice to her.

Lynn nodded. "Yeah..." She said.

Amanda stood over John's form, and placed her hands on the side of his bed. "Lynn, can you leave to room for a while, please? I want to be alone with John..." She said.

"He can't hear you. He doesn't even know you're there." She told her, truthfully.

"Even if he doesn't, I just want to be alone with him right now... Please..." She told her.

Lynn agreed and headed out into the tools and traps area through the plastic curtain.

Amanda leaned over and gently rested her head on John's neck, taking in his deep, intoxicating scent... She moved her head some, causing John's head to tilt whenever she moved. Her arms lay clasped on his shoulders, and she stayed there for a while, crying softly.

She moved her hands to John's face and clasped his head in-between her hands. Moving her fingers slowly across his skin, she caressed his face, her face still buried in his neck.

"John... I..." She was scared to tell him how she truly felt... Scared that what he said to her a while ago was only due to hallucinations or exhaustion... But she had to tell him. She wanted to tell him before the cancer killed him...

John could feel something warm against his face and neck. His eyes fluttered open and he saw Amanda laying her upper body next to him. He was happy that she kept her promise... Happy that she was the first person to see once he woke up.

John quickly closed his eyes as he saw Amanda begin to lift herself off of him. She kept her hands on his face, and stared at him. She observed every part of his face and was glad to see that he wasn't in so much pain anymore. She knew that he'd still die from the cancer, but at least he could live out the rest of his time in not as much pain.

Amanda wished that he would wake up so she could tell him, but she couldn't take the wait anymore... She knew that this was her only chance to feel what she's wanted to feel for a long time now... So, she slowly brought her face to his. She could feel the warm breath from his nose hit her face.

Amanda closed her eyes and paused for a few seconds... "John... I love you..."

John heard her say those three words... "I love you."... That's all she had to say, and he knew that what he felt was the same. He was also in love with Amanda...

Amanda finally brought her lips To John's... Her heart beating like a drum set... She had never felt so good in all of her life... This was the man she wanted to be with for the rest of her life, even though she knew it couldn't happen... She felt his warmth and loved it... She pressed her lips harder against his, wishing that he would respond, but knew he was asleep... That is, until she felt a warm hand on the back of her neck...

Amanda felt his lips start to move against her own... She let out a surprised gasp, but kept her mouth on his, her heart racing... He was kissing her back, and she loved it... He loved it as well... He felt that it was the first good thing to happen to him since he had gotten cancer...

Amanda gently lifted her head up and opened her eyes. At the same time, John opened his eyes as well. He stared at her, a smile on his face... She stared back at him, unsure of what to say. "John..." Was all she said.

"Amanda, I love you too..." He told her, still caressing her neck. He moved his hand down to her cheek. She smiled and held his hand there in her own...


End file.
